Dear Dad – By Stefanie

Dear Dad,

It has been one of those rough days, and it’s moments like these when I find myself missing you the most. Times where I would have gone to you for guidance, for assistance, and your comforting knowledge.

And so I feel compelled to write you, to see if I can guide myself to a better place, letting your ideals lead the way.

I wonder sometimes, and hope, that you are watching me. Watching me devote my days, my time, and my energy to YouSpoke. It is interesting when people ask me about the driving force behind this organization. Not because I am unaware of the answer, but because the answer is so profound that I find it difficult to articulate.

And then it comes to me in waves.

That this is fueled by my growing anxiety about the suicide rate. And that I want more than anything, for people to remember you for the unbelievable man that you were…and not the way you left us. Then I realize how addicted I am to this feeling of helping people, and providing them an outlet to let it all out…an outlet that you never had. And then I realize how aligned my heart feels since starting this, and how I will stop at nothing until I pursue this full-time, so I can continue this path to healing that I’ve created for myself that has brought me to an entirely new level of enlightenment.

The driving force behind YouSpoke is all this rolled into one.

I want to thank you for making this little girl feel empowered. She turned into a confident young woman because of it, and this enabled her to start YouSpoke. You are the beauty in the breakdown, and I thank you for living your life for your family, and for me.

In fact, you lived your life so selflessly, I can see how it would be hard to fathom how you left us in a way that some consider selfish. But I want you to know that this is not the way I look at you, and this is certainly not the way I look at people who have attempted and survived. It makes me realize instead, that depression is an incredibly consuming, difficult, dark place that we must try harder to understand.

I know this because you wanted to be there. You wanted to see me become a competent, successful, independent adult. I know you wanted to watch me meet the man of my dreams and the see the family we created, so you could play alligator with your grandkids and hear them laugh the way I did so long ago. You wanted to be there. And I know you tried.

But I understand that the pain in your heart and your brain became too much for you to handle…and that you felt you had exhausted your resources. And I want you to know that I am trying to build new ones for you, Dad, and for others who are standing in your shoes.

Let me help you show others that this isn’t an easy pain. That good people we love face the most difficult of times. I know it was hard for you to talk about, and I often wonder if this is why you didn’t leave a note. Because you had never talked about the struggle before, why and how could you put it on paper and stare at it straight in the eye before you did it?

I want you to know that I forgive you, Dad, because saying that I didn’t would be like saying I didn’t understand that you were in pain. And in all honesty, I never felt that forgiveness was necessary in the first place. One looks for forgiveness when someone has done them wrong, and you did the exact opposite.

I will look depression straight in the eye for you. I will show people that this pain is real. It is complex, it is profound, and it stole you away from me. I am not mad at you, I am mad at the condition that left me to pick up the pieces without a father.

The way you exited is not your legacy. The way you lived your life is. Your actions were your message. One that I recognize and appreciate more than you know. You have given me a gift that is the mission that backs this organization.

And for this, I thank you.

Love,

Stefanie

www.youspoke.org

Read more about Stefanie’s story and watch her video at: http://www.youspoke.org/founder.html

If you have been affected by suicide and would like to share your story, visit: http://www.youspoke.org/contact_form.php

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