The story behind YouSpoke.org -by Stefanie

It was fall of 2006, and I was happy. I was 22, a senior at Arizona State University, and working for the Phoenix Suns. I was a product of a happy childhood in the midwest, with loving parents, including my father who was a respected Optometrist for as long as I knew him.

On October 8^th of that year, I experienced an unexpected turn of events. I lost my father to suicide. He had been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication for 12 years at the time of his death due to a long term struggle with depression and anxiety. I was taken by complete surprise and had not detected any warning signs.

The way to go about dealing with the complexities of my father’s death seemed unfathomable to me. Things had changed so drastically, so quickly, and the one person who had always given me direction and security in my life had suddenly left without a goodbye (he did not leave a note). I felt abandoned, scared, and profoundly betrayed. What about my college graduation? Who would walk me down the aisle on my wedding day? Didn’t he want to feel the joy of being a grandfather and hold my firstborn child in his arms? The layers of my pain were infinite. The proper path to healing was unclear.  It was immediately clear to me that the road ahead would be a difficult one, and I wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. This was until, a very pivotal moment, when I realized that I was in complete control of my healing.

Here is an excerpt from my journal that day:

November 6, 2006.

“Breaking through…I went to the gym this afternoon and had an epiphany during the entire duration of my workout. I need to rid myself of the mentality that things end here with Dad’s death. I have confidence in my capacity as a person and want to see where this potential can take me. I feel that I am a growing, perceptive, hard working individual that was destined to do great things in this world. I may feel alone, but I am not unmotivated. My passion and will to ignite change did not die with Dad. I want to accomplish something amazing and worthwhile—and not just once. I want to take this one step at a time and set little goals that will lead to bigger things. I will give myself the strength to concentrate less on the uncertainties of the future and more on what I can control right now. There is clarity in my mind that life will continue normally and I have realized that I am responsible to make that change.”

During the following months I adopted an empowered, positive, growth-oriented attitude. I turned to art, dance, reading, and writing during this time as well as communication with family and friends to get me through the rough patches. I wrote in my journal often, which became my bible, and a way to track the progress of my healing following the loss of my father.

December 1, 2006.

“I have recognized that I immediately think of the way Dad left us when I have any reminder of him at all. I think this is an indicator that every day, I need to make a conscious effort to remember Dad in a different light. Whenever I find myself in sad moments, I will embrace them, but also pair these thoughts with something great that he did for me, a lesson that I learned, or some way that I will progress in the future thanks to him.”

I continued to express myself on a daily basis, and in turn, I felt better each day. Communication was a crucial component to my healing. I refused to look at my life as a continuation of the downfall. Instead, I embraced it as an opportunity for growth, and to me, this made all the difference.

I am now 25 years old and living in Chicago. Six months ago, I founded YouSpoke.org. I embarked on this journey because I wanted to share the same positive energy that I was able to gather after my father’s death with people who are facing similar losses, or those who have struggled with suicidal tendencies themselves. YouSpoke’s mission is to cultivate a community for those deeply affected by suicide by providing them an outlet to share their story. On our website, people can submit works of art, music, film, dance, graphic design, painting, photography, poetry, writing, and so forth to depict their unique experiences surrounding suicide. We are breaking down the barriers that separate us, and opening the lines of communication surrounding an issue that is all too often shunned, misunderstood, and avoided. Eventually, we will integrate classes, seminars, speakers, and events into our program to increase the level of engagement and maximize the potential for communal healing.

As finding peace with my father’s death has proved to be a continual process, I see no better way do this than in the company others. Visit www.youspoke.org to share your story and help us mold a more educated world.

“What happens to you does not matter: what you become through those experiences is all that is significant.”

With love,

Stefanie

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